every mushroom cloud has a silver lining

I know I was just talking about appreciation the other day and how a lot of people in this program don't seem to, but I was just hit with a sudden urge to go home. And not because I don't like it here. It's not that at all. I just miss living in the US.

I'm looking out my window at a beautiful blue sky, and the air is crisp and clean and a little cold, but I'm hit with these memories of summertime in Oregon when everything is green and lush and pretty and warm without being too hot, and I can go to the mall and go shopping (god, I miss shopping - I miss having money to go shopping). I just saw a picture of a friend on facebook and it triggered this weird memory of us going shopping in Portland. It's weird because, of course, I see pictures of her all the time.

For some reason, memories of summer are strongest, probably because that's the only time I'm ever really at home. Since I technically (it's complicated) went to school out-of-state (see, not really. It's just, my parents moved right as I went to college), I never got to go home for weekends or short holidays like Thanksgiving or Labor Day. I only got to be home at Christmas and during the summer. So it's no wonder my memories are strongest of those times.

This is also my second year living abroad and there comes a point where you just want familiarity. You just want to do the things you've always done like go to the mall or walk to the park or just the little things like going to the local grocery store. I know I always said I hated Arizona, and I did, a lot, but even when I go back to Phoenix, I can like it because of the sense of familiarity it has for me. I know the roads. I know what street to take to get me to my old house, to the high school, to the mall. I know what it feels like to drive up Tatum Blvd at sunset in the summertime and how the sun is going to feel once I step out of the air-conditioned interior of my car. I know that, and it's comforting.

When I came back from China, granted, there was a reverse culture shock that took some adjusting, but I also didn't come back to somewhere familiar. The only bit of familiarity I got was a stopover in the Phoenix airport which was like a bit of home even though I haven't lived there in six years.

It's not like I have a lot of time left here anyway. Only four months, which seems too short and too long at the same time. I'm twenty-three. I'm tired of being directionless. I'm tired of being a twenty-something. I don't like this stage in my life all that much, that stage where I feel like I don't know what I'm doing but I also feel like I should know, like other people know. Every time I catch myself thinking about spending another year abroad (like renewing France for next year or moving to Africa), I stop and remind myself of how I feel right now. I don't know if I can take another year of this. Yes, I love traveling, and yes, I love France, but the time has come to settle down or at least try to. It's going to be hard but I want to do it. France was hard but I wanted to do it and I did. This just proves that I can.

I don't know. I've always liked traveling, but I've also always wanted something steady to come back to, which I haven't had in a while. It feels like I've been moving since I was fourteen: Oregon, Phoenix, Virginia, Tucson, Oregon, China, France. I thought by now I'd have figured out what I wanted. It was all so clear when I was thirteen and I was going to be a veterinarian. Life, why so hard? Why can't I just be five years old again? Life was so much simpler then.

I'm sure I'll look back on France with fond memories that will make me want to come back. Even now, I have those memories of China that somehow block out the bad parts of the experience. I'm sure they will come and I'll remember sitting here and staring out my window at the cloudless sky and thinking how pretty it is. I'll remember.