This is a travel blog, or was, and I don't seem to travel much anymore, but here's a little tidbit for you anyway!
Two months ago, almost three now, I moved down to Texas. Don't ask me why because I really don't know still. I needed a change. I had to get out of where I was. There are jobs here. Anyway.
I packed up almost everything I owned into my (very small) car and drove down through five states in about five or six days. I used the trip as an excuse to visit my friends that I hadn't seen since I came back from China. That was two years ago.
First stop was Los Angeles. I crashed at my friend's house for the night. We spent it watching A Very Potter Musical and then the next morning we made crepes with nutella and strawberries! It was delicious and reminded me of my senior year of college when I would make crepes all the time with my friend Nicole. Which was perfect timing given that the next night was spent in Phoenix with Nicole.
It's nice coming back to familiar places. I always thought that I would hate Phoenix for the rest of my life after going to high school there. But there's something nice about knowing where you're going, how to get places, which roads lead to what. It was pleasant to be back in Phoenix, even if I was in Glendale, an area I'm not terribly familiar with.
We hung out in the pool and then went to see the Hunger Games (my third time, Nicole's first). The next morning, I packed up and headed out, straight to...
Albuquerque to visit my friend Caty and her husband Adam. I still find it weird that so many of my friends are getting married. We mostly just hung out and I broke out the colossal Europe photo album (It is twice the size of China's despite the fact that I was in China for a longer amount of time). I also introduced her to Starkid and the genius that is Holy Musical B@man.
But alas the fun couldn't last and it was off to Texas for me.
So here I am three months later. I have a new pet! It's a rabbit, an American Fuzzy Lop which I mentioned a few entries ago. I bet you guys didn't think I'd actually get one, did you? I actually have 3, but only one is here with me in my apartment.
And I've been here 3 months and I'm already bored. I'm thinking about my next move... which I'm fairly sure has to do with writing. If I can double my monthly freelancing income, I could make it my full time job. I suppose that is my goal for the end of the year. Until then, I will go to work every day and figure out a way to make it happen. Until the next trip!
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Counting Your Eggs
Well, hello there. It's been a while. You've grown. But this blog sure hasn't, and okay, I was pretty bad... I even deleted it a few months ago but it's back (mostly because I had to retrieve an entry from it, but here we are).
I wouldn't say my life has drastically changed in the past few months. I still work at the same place, live in the same place, see the same people every day. A dull litany of monotony.
Only one thing really has changed: I've become a freelance writer. No, really, it's technically official. I get paid to write stuff. Granted, I've only had one job and it's still "in progress" but it's a start. I'm not going to count my eggs before they've hatched. But I've applied for a few more jobs and gotten some bites that might develop into actual paying jobs, so I can officially say that I'm a freelance writer now.
I don't really know what I'm working towards with the freelance thing except that it could be the thing I'm supposed to be doing with my life. You know? I've gone through most of my life with varying levels of passion for things and they all seem to fizzle with time, and I went all the way through college not knowing what I wanted to do, and two years later still not knowing. But here I am with this new opportunity and god, the idea of working from home is extremely appealing. At the moment, I have to work around my other job which limits the jobs I can apply for since a lot of them want 24/7 availability.
I know I only just started (literally, signed up last month), and I'm going slow because there's no rush, but I got one job and I've got two potential on the table, so I'd say it's a good start. Here's hoping I'll be able to sustain something in the new year and maybe, just maybe, I'll find a way to do this full time and quit my crappy job. Woo!
I wouldn't say my life has drastically changed in the past few months. I still work at the same place, live in the same place, see the same people every day. A dull litany of monotony.
Only one thing really has changed: I've become a freelance writer. No, really, it's technically official. I get paid to write stuff. Granted, I've only had one job and it's still "in progress" but it's a start. I'm not going to count my eggs before they've hatched. But I've applied for a few more jobs and gotten some bites that might develop into actual paying jobs, so I can officially say that I'm a freelance writer now.
I don't really know what I'm working towards with the freelance thing except that it could be the thing I'm supposed to be doing with my life. You know? I've gone through most of my life with varying levels of passion for things and they all seem to fizzle with time, and I went all the way through college not knowing what I wanted to do, and two years later still not knowing. But here I am with this new opportunity and god, the idea of working from home is extremely appealing. At the moment, I have to work around my other job which limits the jobs I can apply for since a lot of them want 24/7 availability.
I know I only just started (literally, signed up last month), and I'm going slow because there's no rush, but I got one job and I've got two potential on the table, so I'd say it's a good start. Here's hoping I'll be able to sustain something in the new year and maybe, just maybe, I'll find a way to do this full time and quit my crappy job. Woo!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
signs point to yes
My Magic 8 Ball sits on my shelf, the desolate shelf that I cleared last summer in preparation that I would actually do something when I got back from France. It sits there along with one framed picture of my childhood. The little blue die inside is slightly battered, white where it's hit the circular window over the years, always popping up to answer my question.
When I was younger, I'd ask, "Does so-and-so like me?" I can't say my questions have gotten much better over the years. This morning, I asked, "Will today be a good day?" Yesterday, I asked, "Will there be a lot of baths today?" The day before, I asked, "Will my schedule be changed again today?"
As a Freshman in high school, we had daily announcements by the principal and every day, he'd end with, "You can make it a great day or not... the choice is yours." The choice was mine. I never made that choice.
Nowadays, my Magic 8 Ball makes the choice for me. It tells me yes or no, a good day or not. If it tells me it can't make a decision, I shake it again. The poor, battered die. For years it has answered my questions, and for years, it has been right. Or perhaps it hasn't been. Perhaps it tells me, I believe it, and because I believe it, it's right.
Magic 8 Ball, you will always be right.
When I was younger, I'd ask, "Does so-and-so like me?" I can't say my questions have gotten much better over the years. This morning, I asked, "Will today be a good day?" Yesterday, I asked, "Will there be a lot of baths today?" The day before, I asked, "Will my schedule be changed again today?"
As a Freshman in high school, we had daily announcements by the principal and every day, he'd end with, "You can make it a great day or not... the choice is yours." The choice was mine. I never made that choice.
Nowadays, my Magic 8 Ball makes the choice for me. It tells me yes or no, a good day or not. If it tells me it can't make a decision, I shake it again. The poor, battered die. For years it has answered my questions, and for years, it has been right. Or perhaps it hasn't been. Perhaps it tells me, I believe it, and because I believe it, it's right.
Magic 8 Ball, you will always be right.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
every night is like a revival.
Just the other day, I was lamenting yet again) about my current state of life, but I read blog today about twentysomethings and why we all feel so old. We feel old because we have expectations of where we should be at certain points in our lives, specifically in our twenties, and if we're not there, we feel a failure somehow, we feel old.
When I was younger and had a clear view of my life (I was going to be a veterinarian and own about 50 dogs), twenty-four seemed so very far away. I didn't know anyone who was twenty-four. Now I'm twenty-four and the oldest of all my immediate friends which is strange because as a child, I always got along much better with people older than me. There are times when the age differences are glaring to me, even if it's just a few years, and that makes me feel older than ever.
However, I had a brief shining moment of clarity today. It didn't last long, but I thought I'd share it while I still feel this way. It comes and goes, you see.
I am twenty-four, but in my twenty-four years, I've done things that a lot of people would never dream of: I moved to China with no knowledge of the language or what I was really getting into, I moved to France, I traveled to 13 countries, many by myself, I published a novel and wrote four more. I wrote four screenplays, and as bad as most of them are, who do you know who has?
As a kid, I was generally the odd one out. I had a few close friends but very little beyond that aside from acquaintances since it was a small town and I knew everyone in my grade since kindergarten. I loved animals and spent hours reading books and memorizing facts and generally being a huge nerd. Luckily for me, that wasn't unexpected in my town. The whole place was a little odd, and admittedly, I'm very glad we moved away.
The point is, I've never been normal. I've never had normal jobs or done normal things. The closest I came to normal was in college working at a restaurant, but I was promoted to student manager so it wasn't exactly normal again. Now I work at a dog kennel which I also did for two years in high school. My life isn't normal. Most people never think of doing that job because it's not fast food or retail, and sure, it's not going to get me much anywhere but it's more interesting than saying, "I cook hamburgers for a living."
I've always been okay being not normal which I guess means I have to accept that at twenty-four, whatever life goal I'm supposed to be hitting won't be happening. The youth really is wasted on the young.
When I was younger and had a clear view of my life (I was going to be a veterinarian and own about 50 dogs), twenty-four seemed so very far away. I didn't know anyone who was twenty-four. Now I'm twenty-four and the oldest of all my immediate friends which is strange because as a child, I always got along much better with people older than me. There are times when the age differences are glaring to me, even if it's just a few years, and that makes me feel older than ever.
However, I had a brief shining moment of clarity today. It didn't last long, but I thought I'd share it while I still feel this way. It comes and goes, you see.
I am twenty-four, but in my twenty-four years, I've done things that a lot of people would never dream of: I moved to China with no knowledge of the language or what I was really getting into, I moved to France, I traveled to 13 countries, many by myself, I published a novel and wrote four more. I wrote four screenplays, and as bad as most of them are, who do you know who has?
As a kid, I was generally the odd one out. I had a few close friends but very little beyond that aside from acquaintances since it was a small town and I knew everyone in my grade since kindergarten. I loved animals and spent hours reading books and memorizing facts and generally being a huge nerd. Luckily for me, that wasn't unexpected in my town. The whole place was a little odd, and admittedly, I'm very glad we moved away.
The point is, I've never been normal. I've never had normal jobs or done normal things. The closest I came to normal was in college working at a restaurant, but I was promoted to student manager so it wasn't exactly normal again. Now I work at a dog kennel which I also did for two years in high school. My life isn't normal. Most people never think of doing that job because it's not fast food or retail, and sure, it's not going to get me much anywhere but it's more interesting than saying, "I cook hamburgers for a living."
I've always been okay being not normal which I guess means I have to accept that at twenty-four, whatever life goal I'm supposed to be hitting won't be happening. The youth really is wasted on the young.
Friday, July 22, 2011
fill it with unleaded
When I was younger, I didn't think it was abnormal in any way to pull into a gas station and have an attendant come out and do the gas for you. I grew up thinking it was like that everywhere, and it wasn't until I was 12 and I went to D.C. that I realized it wasn't as normal as I thought.
In Oregon, you are not allowed to pump your own gas. When I moved to Arizona, I thought it was so strange having to do it yourself, and by the time I got my driver's license, I was sort of scared at the idea of doing it since I'd had so little experience.
Ten years later, I'm back living in Oregon and I find having someone pump my gas to be annoying and a pain sometimes. Unfortunately, it's one of those things you can't avoid. Oregon, I love you, but please, let me pump my own gas.
In Oregon, you are not allowed to pump your own gas. When I moved to Arizona, I thought it was so strange having to do it yourself, and by the time I got my driver's license, I was sort of scared at the idea of doing it since I'd had so little experience.
Ten years later, I'm back living in Oregon and I find having someone pump my gas to be annoying and a pain sometimes. Unfortunately, it's one of those things you can't avoid. Oregon, I love you, but please, let me pump my own gas.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
You know what I love about Amerrca?
Pink eyeliner.
And that everything is open on Sundays. On a related note, my birthday was yesterday. I just went up to Portland and did a little shopping and had lunch. So now I'm officially 24 and living at home. UGH. Can anyone say pathetique? GIVE ME A JOB. omg.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
"It's wrong no matter why you kill, no matter whom you kill and no matter who does the killing."
I've mentioned it before, but my senior year of college, I took a gen-ed class called "Eastern European Film in a Social Context" in which we watched many films, all dating from 1918 (the Russian revolution) to the mid-nineties (Balkan wars). Lately, as I've been traveling around Eastern Europe, it's made me think of a lot of these movies and today I went on a hunt to find all the titles. I want to share them with you in the hopes that maybe you'll watch a few of them.
Before the Rain – Baltic, Macedonia
Before the Rain – Baltic, Macedonia
No Man's Land – Baltic, Serbia/Bosnia
Ivan's Childhood - Russian
Kolya - Czechoslovakia
Brother - Russian
Burnt By The Sun - Russian
Closely Watched Trains – Czechoslovakia
Daisies – Czechoslovakia
Knife in the Water – Poland
The Mother – Russia
Potemkin – Russian
Tito and Me – Yugoslavia
Children of Glory – Hungarian
4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days – Romania
A Short Film About Killing – Poland
Man of Marble – Poland
Alice - Czechoslovakia
They're all in their native languages with English subtitles if you can find them (my University library has a lot of them so they're out there - even a few are online as I had to watch them there for class).
Which ones do I recommend? You should be aware that several of these could be very triggering in the violence/gore category, and of course, it does help the know the social context before watching. Still, there's no excuse not to watch these.
Those I don't recommend for the squeamish (but are really excellent films due to this) are "4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days" as it pertains to abortion and there's a rather gruesome shot near the end of a fetus. Also, "A Short Film About Killing" is, as the title indicates, a short film about killing and is rumored to have the longest death scene of any film ever made (7 minutes and you see it all), but it's a great social commentary on death. Note: at one point, the entire class of 200 people gasped in sync it was that ... shocking, I guess I could say.
Aside from those two, I'd recommend "Closely Watched Trains," "Tito and Me," "Brother," and "No Man's Land." Those were some of my favorites.
As I wandered around Budapest today, I thought to myself (much as I had when I went to Prague), that when I was born, no one even dreamed of going to Hungary. Nobody could. The Soviet Block was still intact and Eastern Europe was closed. Today, I went to the House of Terror, former home to the secret police of Hungary and location of brutal actions (it's now a museum dedicated to this fact including the prisons in the basement where people were kept and tortured, and one very poignant room in which there stands a singular pillar with a noose at the top). Just twenty years ago, Budapest was under this constant threat and in certain places, you can still see the bullet holes from the 1956 Revolt that was quickly quelled by Soviet troops and thousands died. (watch "Children of Glory" if you'd like to know more).
Sometimes I still can't believe how recent our history is and how countries are still waging wars over insignificant differences (watch "No Man's Land" for that one).
I guess I'll just leave this list here and hope someone watches one of those movies. But don't watch "Potemkin" unless you enjoy silent movies.
Friday, April 15, 2011
i want something that i want
I really need to do the post about Dunkerque but honestly, all it would say is, "We went to the beach. It was ridiculously windy, and we spent six hours in a beach-side cafe drinking cocktails."
Yesterday was my last day at work and for the most part, I let kids ask questions. I mean, we did do some work but hey, who cares about work? Besides, questions are way more fun and let me practice my French.
Kid: How are you getting home?
Other Kid: a plane, duh!
Kid: Does America have the same money as us?
Kid: How long does it take to get from Southern California to Washington D.C?
That one I could actually answer seeing as I've driven it at least 6 times in my life. It takes 5 days if you stop at night, 3 days if you never stop.
Kid: How did you learn French?
Me: In school.
Kid: Oh! Like we learn English!
Kid: Where did you live this year?
Other kid: In America?
Teacher: No, of course not. That would be tiring to fly back every day.
Me: And expensive...
Kid: Do you have The Simpsons in America?
Me: ... Yeah, they're American.
Ah. And so my year in France comes to an end, too early for what I would have liked. Today I get to pack my suitcase and prepare for Monday when I leave for Germany. Germany! I'm so excited to finally get there. We're going to Munich so a trip to Dachau concentration camp will be had. I'm excited for that too. WWII is my favorite war to study (I'm a bit of a history nerd in case you hadn't gathered that over the course of this year). After Munich, we're heading to Salzburg (home to the Sound of Music tour and movie location and everything), then Vienna with hopefully sidetrips to Bratislava (in Slovakia) and Budapest (in Hungary). I'm going with two friends and this is where we'll part ways. They go back to France and I'm taking a little trip down to the former Yugoslavia. I'm definitely hitting up Croatia and Slovenia. Hopefully I'll be able to get to the Dalmatian coast in Croatia.
So there we have it. In less than a month I'll be back at home. In fact, I get in late on a Saturday, and you know what? The next day, Sunday, I'll be able to go to the store! And eat at restaurants! And shop! And do everything. All on a Sunday. AHHH. It will be glorious.
Yesterday was my last day at work and for the most part, I let kids ask questions. I mean, we did do some work but hey, who cares about work? Besides, questions are way more fun and let me practice my French.
Kid: How are you getting home?
Other Kid: a plane, duh!
Kid: Does America have the same money as us?
Kid: How long does it take to get from Southern California to Washington D.C?
That one I could actually answer seeing as I've driven it at least 6 times in my life. It takes 5 days if you stop at night, 3 days if you never stop.
Kid: How did you learn French?
Me: In school.
Kid: Oh! Like we learn English!
Kid: Where did you live this year?
Other kid: In America?
Teacher: No, of course not. That would be tiring to fly back every day.
Me: And expensive...
Kid: Do you have The Simpsons in America?
Me: ... Yeah, they're American.
Ah. And so my year in France comes to an end, too early for what I would have liked. Today I get to pack my suitcase and prepare for Monday when I leave for Germany. Germany! I'm so excited to finally get there. We're going to Munich so a trip to Dachau concentration camp will be had. I'm excited for that too. WWII is my favorite war to study (I'm a bit of a history nerd in case you hadn't gathered that over the course of this year). After Munich, we're heading to Salzburg (home to the Sound of Music tour and movie location and everything), then Vienna with hopefully sidetrips to Bratislava (in Slovakia) and Budapest (in Hungary). I'm going with two friends and this is where we'll part ways. They go back to France and I'm taking a little trip down to the former Yugoslavia. I'm definitely hitting up Croatia and Slovenia. Hopefully I'll be able to get to the Dalmatian coast in Croatia.
So there we have it. In less than a month I'll be back at home. In fact, I get in late on a Saturday, and you know what? The next day, Sunday, I'll be able to go to the store! And eat at restaurants! And shop! And do everything. All on a Sunday. AHHH. It will be glorious.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
this must be how it feels
I don't want to go home.
But I do want to go home. I'm conflicted.
This past week has been pretty much amazing. The weather has been perfect - blue skies, sun, warmth - I've finally reached that point where I can talk to anyone I want and not feel like an idiot. I finally got the CAF figured out (never mind that the social security still hasn't done a thing in 7 months). I'm not ready to go.
By this time last year, I was begging to leave China. I was counting down the days (all 100-something of them). I wanted to get the hell out of there, you have no idea. Of course, I also had France to look forward to at this point.
This year, I don't want to leave France, not when I'm so close. I finally feel really comfortable here, something I never really felt in China. I can go into a restaurant and order anything I want and answer the server's questions. I can apologize when we break two glasses in a span of five minutes (that's another story, one which just drives home how much fun France can be). I can go to the post office and ship packages home and explain things to the clerk. I can finally me débrouiller as well as I've always wanted. Unfortunately, se débrouiller doesn't translate very well into English, meaning, "manage myself." But I can and I do.
Why is it just when you get the hang of things, it's time to go? I'm really wishing I'd renewed for next year. Tant pis, though. There are other ways to get to France and if I still feel this way later on, I'll make it happen. For now, à bientôt, France.
But I do want to go home. I'm conflicted.
This past week has been pretty much amazing. The weather has been perfect - blue skies, sun, warmth - I've finally reached that point where I can talk to anyone I want and not feel like an idiot. I finally got the CAF figured out (never mind that the social security still hasn't done a thing in 7 months). I'm not ready to go.
By this time last year, I was begging to leave China. I was counting down the days (all 100-something of them). I wanted to get the hell out of there, you have no idea. Of course, I also had France to look forward to at this point.
This year, I don't want to leave France, not when I'm so close. I finally feel really comfortable here, something I never really felt in China. I can go into a restaurant and order anything I want and answer the server's questions. I can apologize when we break two glasses in a span of five minutes (that's another story, one which just drives home how much fun France can be). I can go to the post office and ship packages home and explain things to the clerk. I can finally me débrouiller as well as I've always wanted. Unfortunately, se débrouiller doesn't translate very well into English, meaning, "manage myself." But I can and I do.
Why is it just when you get the hang of things, it's time to go? I'm really wishing I'd renewed for next year. Tant pis, though. There are other ways to get to France and if I still feel this way later on, I'll make it happen. For now, à bientôt, France.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
sometimes I clean
Sometimes I clean. Sometimes I decide I need to clean everything in my room/apartment/house/wherever I happen to be at the time (including but not limited to offices at work and refrigerators, especially the big walk-in ones). I usually only do this on days where I am so utterly bored that it's the only thing left to do. Oh, sure, I could be writing or editing one of the many crappy first-drafts I have in My Documents, or perhaps I could even be doing something productive like planning my future, but I'm lazy and apathetic, so cleaning is what I do.
The problem with cleaning is that once you do it... you can't do it again until things get dirty.
The problem with cleaning is that once you do it... you can't do it again until things get dirty.
Monday, March 14, 2011
la vie en rose
I spend too much time on the Assistants Forum and I'll be glad to delete it off my favorites list once France is done. Why? Because half the people on there only complain. "I hate my town. My teachers are mean to me. The weather sucks." Blah blah blah.
Since I booked my plane ticket home the other day, I've been wondering if I'm going home too soon. I know logically it makes sense to go home when I am because I probably can't fiscally afford to stay in Europe much longer, but that doesn't mean I'm not still questioning my decision.
I came to France with this wild idea that I would somehow make much more out of it than I did with China. I told myself I would talk to people, join a group of something, I don't know, take a cooking class. Granted, I've talked to people. My French has improved - I think after the last break, it somehow got a boost. Maybe it was just the time away I needed.
I'm still left wondering, though, if I did everything I could to make my time here memorable and useful. I suppose we always have regrets when things end but the level of the regret varies person to person and thing to thing. When I go back, I still don't know what I'm doing. Someone wrote to me the other day, "What is on your agenda for next year? Something exciting, I hope." The real answer to that question is that I have no idea, and whatever it is, it probably won't be exciting.
Those people who complain on the forums, I wonder if they've done everything they can for themselves. I'm not a real go-getter myself, so everything I'm lacking is my own fault. But I wonder how hard they tried or if they're just content to think the past six months have been a waste of their time. Even if you hated it, at least it taught you something. That's how I prefer to look at it, although I've far from hated my time here. A part of me wishes it would go on longer and another part is ready for it to be over. I honestly don't know which side is winning at the moment.
Since I booked my plane ticket home the other day, I've been wondering if I'm going home too soon. I know logically it makes sense to go home when I am because I probably can't fiscally afford to stay in Europe much longer, but that doesn't mean I'm not still questioning my decision.
I came to France with this wild idea that I would somehow make much more out of it than I did with China. I told myself I would talk to people, join a group of something, I don't know, take a cooking class. Granted, I've talked to people. My French has improved - I think after the last break, it somehow got a boost. Maybe it was just the time away I needed.
I'm still left wondering, though, if I did everything I could to make my time here memorable and useful. I suppose we always have regrets when things end but the level of the regret varies person to person and thing to thing. When I go back, I still don't know what I'm doing. Someone wrote to me the other day, "What is on your agenda for next year? Something exciting, I hope." The real answer to that question is that I have no idea, and whatever it is, it probably won't be exciting.
Those people who complain on the forums, I wonder if they've done everything they can for themselves. I'm not a real go-getter myself, so everything I'm lacking is my own fault. But I wonder how hard they tried or if they're just content to think the past six months have been a waste of their time. Even if you hated it, at least it taught you something. That's how I prefer to look at it, although I've far from hated my time here. A part of me wishes it would go on longer and another part is ready for it to be over. I honestly don't know which side is winning at the moment.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
falling right into the denouement
In one week, I'll be on February break. In a month and a half, I'll be on April break. In two months, I'll be done.
I feel like there is always a point you reach when you live abroad where you just get annoyed. Or maybe it's just me. Or maybe it was just today.
Today, there was yet another strike which meant four of my six teachers wouldn't be at school, so there was really no point in me being there. Instead, I went with Carole to the CPAM to inquire after my social security number. Guess what we found out? They've done absolutely nothing since the first time I was there. Yep, glorious French bureaucracy who can do nothing in a timely manner.
And then there's the matter of the CAF who keeps asking for more paperwork that I don't have, and Carole told me today that her son applied in October and didn't get reimbursed until July last year. And he's a French citizen. Beuf.
At times I find myself considering staying abroad for another few months or years or wondering if I could do it forever, and I know the answer. I know the answer is no. But I still find myself considering it - looking up ways to stay, places I could go/work. But then you think about what's really waiting for you at home and the honest answer is not much. If I had anything worthwhile there, I might not have left.
It's like being in a big hurry to go nowhere. I would like to go home, but I know I'd be bored within two weeks. All my friends live so spread out and none are in the town I would be living in. Why should I go home? What's there? Maybe I should just pick up and move as soon as I get back. Where? No one knows. I could fulfill my childhood dream of living in Vermont. Why Vermont, you ask? I couldn't tell you. I just wanted to.
On a brighter note, on Tuesday, this adorable little boy in CE1 asked if he could write a story about me. I wanted to hug the little writer. He's so cute. I just wish I knew his name...
I feel like there is always a point you reach when you live abroad where you just get annoyed. Or maybe it's just me. Or maybe it was just today.
Today, there was yet another strike which meant four of my six teachers wouldn't be at school, so there was really no point in me being there. Instead, I went with Carole to the CPAM to inquire after my social security number. Guess what we found out? They've done absolutely nothing since the first time I was there. Yep, glorious French bureaucracy who can do nothing in a timely manner.
And then there's the matter of the CAF who keeps asking for more paperwork that I don't have, and Carole told me today that her son applied in October and didn't get reimbursed until July last year. And he's a French citizen. Beuf.
At times I find myself considering staying abroad for another few months or years or wondering if I could do it forever, and I know the answer. I know the answer is no. But I still find myself considering it - looking up ways to stay, places I could go/work. But then you think about what's really waiting for you at home and the honest answer is not much. If I had anything worthwhile there, I might not have left.
It's like being in a big hurry to go nowhere. I would like to go home, but I know I'd be bored within two weeks. All my friends live so spread out and none are in the town I would be living in. Why should I go home? What's there? Maybe I should just pick up and move as soon as I get back. Where? No one knows. I could fulfill my childhood dream of living in Vermont. Why Vermont, you ask? I couldn't tell you. I just wanted to.
On a brighter note, on Tuesday, this adorable little boy in CE1 asked if he could write a story about me. I wanted to hug the little writer. He's so cute. I just wish I knew his name...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
The Year of the Rabbit
As of tomorrow (February 3rd), the Year of the Rabbit begins. This is especially significant for me, given that I am a Rabbit. Aside from the obvious things to do this year (wear your red underwear everyday for good luck if you're a Rabbit), it's also the start of a new cycle in my life, which means I have to come to terms with certain parts of my past.
The past twelve years did not go as I expected them to. I expected to have the same friends all the way through high school, to graduate, go to Oregon State University, and become a veterinarian. That was my plan. Obviously, plans change. But part of starting the new cycle is recognizing failures/disappointments and triumphs and learning from them and creating a new plan.
One of my disappointments, I've already come to terms with and accepted as being better than I thought it would be. That would be going to the University of Arizona for college. It wasn't my first choice. In fact, it was near the bottom of the list, but lots of factors came into play, and in the end, of the three really viable choices, it was the one I chose. Four years later, however, I had plenty of good memories from UA, friends I'll have for life, and a stepping stone for the rest of my life. It's time to let go of the "what if I had gone to so-and-so college instead?" Because I didn't go, and I got a good education anyway.
Another of my disappointments, I'm not sure I've worked it all out yet, and it seems to have affected everything since then, which makes it harder. I lost a friend once, or perhaps not lost... the actual events are blurred in my memory and I'm no longer sure whose fault it really was. I'm sure now that it was both of ours. We both made mistakes and the result was a hurt, depressed teenager who was already anti-social to begin with and who then became even more so. It was hard at the time because I didn't have many friends anyway and I felt she was my best one I did have, so losing her was like having to start over except that instead of losing her, I sort of gained an enemy. It dissipated over time and I only saw her once after high school. But that incident seemed to just fuel a desire to remain anti-social and an excuse for why I had issues with making friends. It's not true, though. I've always been shy and I had troubles making friends before, which was one of the reasons I was so against moving in the first place.
As for that disappointment, I just have to accept that I can't change what happened. We were both immature at the time (age 15, horrible age), and couldn't see past ourselves to fix it. Have I gotten closure? Perhaps not, but maybe I don't need it. I need to stop using it as an excuse. I'm responsible for my actions at this point.
How about a triumph? Something good that's happened in the past twelve years? It's like that interview question where they ask what you think is your biggest accomplishment. Sometimes I say going to college, but that's not true. In fact, it's a blatant lie. I always knew I'd go to college. I always knew I'd get in. I always knew I'd probably have my pick. It wasn't necessarily an accomplishment so much as an expected step to take.
I guess I'd say publishing my novel was a triumph. Six years ago, if you'd have said I would someday write an actual novel and put it out there for people to read and buy, I would have thought you were joking. Six years ago, the only things I wrote were for class, and while I thought (read: thought - this was proven wrong several times) that I was a good writer, I really didn't know anything. I'm not saying I'm amazing right now, but I have my moments. I've still got a lot to learn, though, although now I think what I need to learn isn't something an editor can tell me. It's only something I can learn by living my life.
The point of a new year and a new cycle is to move forward and leave the past where it belongs: behind you.
I may not know where I'm going but I know what I'm leaving behind, and I'm happy to leave it there.
The past twelve years did not go as I expected them to. I expected to have the same friends all the way through high school, to graduate, go to Oregon State University, and become a veterinarian. That was my plan. Obviously, plans change. But part of starting the new cycle is recognizing failures/disappointments and triumphs and learning from them and creating a new plan.
One of my disappointments, I've already come to terms with and accepted as being better than I thought it would be. That would be going to the University of Arizona for college. It wasn't my first choice. In fact, it was near the bottom of the list, but lots of factors came into play, and in the end, of the three really viable choices, it was the one I chose. Four years later, however, I had plenty of good memories from UA, friends I'll have for life, and a stepping stone for the rest of my life. It's time to let go of the "what if I had gone to so-and-so college instead?" Because I didn't go, and I got a good education anyway.
Another of my disappointments, I'm not sure I've worked it all out yet, and it seems to have affected everything since then, which makes it harder. I lost a friend once, or perhaps not lost... the actual events are blurred in my memory and I'm no longer sure whose fault it really was. I'm sure now that it was both of ours. We both made mistakes and the result was a hurt, depressed teenager who was already anti-social to begin with and who then became even more so. It was hard at the time because I didn't have many friends anyway and I felt she was my best one I did have, so losing her was like having to start over except that instead of losing her, I sort of gained an enemy. It dissipated over time and I only saw her once after high school. But that incident seemed to just fuel a desire to remain anti-social and an excuse for why I had issues with making friends. It's not true, though. I've always been shy and I had troubles making friends before, which was one of the reasons I was so against moving in the first place.
As for that disappointment, I just have to accept that I can't change what happened. We were both immature at the time (age 15, horrible age), and couldn't see past ourselves to fix it. Have I gotten closure? Perhaps not, but maybe I don't need it. I need to stop using it as an excuse. I'm responsible for my actions at this point.
How about a triumph? Something good that's happened in the past twelve years? It's like that interview question where they ask what you think is your biggest accomplishment. Sometimes I say going to college, but that's not true. In fact, it's a blatant lie. I always knew I'd go to college. I always knew I'd get in. I always knew I'd probably have my pick. It wasn't necessarily an accomplishment so much as an expected step to take.
I guess I'd say publishing my novel was a triumph. Six years ago, if you'd have said I would someday write an actual novel and put it out there for people to read and buy, I would have thought you were joking. Six years ago, the only things I wrote were for class, and while I thought (read: thought - this was proven wrong several times) that I was a good writer, I really didn't know anything. I'm not saying I'm amazing right now, but I have my moments. I've still got a lot to learn, though, although now I think what I need to learn isn't something an editor can tell me. It's only something I can learn by living my life.
The point of a new year and a new cycle is to move forward and leave the past where it belongs: behind you.
I may not know where I'm going but I know what I'm leaving behind, and I'm happy to leave it there.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
hobbies are hobbies too
I had a dream last night that I was yelling at my bad class. They weren't listening, as per usual, and I woke myself up in the middle of yelling, "QUIET!" I swear I half said the word before I was awake and thinking, "Did I almost say that out loud?" Considering how little I dream, I'm surprised I had this at all.
You know that feeling you get after you finish something that has taken a long time? Like reading a long book series or writing a long story or finishing a television series? Like something is missing and you don't quite know what to do with yourself? I don't like that feeling. It's sort of depressing in a way. Try watching all three Lord of the Rings movies in a row and you'll understand the feeling. The feeling that things are over and there won't be anymore.
I spent the last week watching Avatar: The Last Airbender, which I will recommend as an amazing show even though it's animated and intended for age 8-10. Granted, it's only three seasons long and it ended about 3 years ago. I did watch a few episodes 5 years ago when I was in college and a friend liked it, but for some reason I just didn't get into it. Probably because I saw a few episodes in the middle. Starting from the beginning is a much better idea.
Basically, I'm in love with Zuko and if he was real, I'd marry him. Of course, the same goes for Sokka, and for Dmitre from Anastasia. The point is, after I finished the series (yesterday - I watched 8 episodes in a row, couldn't stop myself), I was left with that empty feeling again.
My hobbies are not vast or really varied. And a lot of them are combined. I like to knit, but I do it while watching TV shows. I like to cook but I need the right kitchen setup to really feel comfortable doing it. And oven would be helpful too. My interest in animals is pretty much caput at the moment considering I can't have a pet here. I've forgotten half the things I used to know from 4-H. Writing is an interest, but it's something that takes an idea and if you don't feel like writing, you don't feel like writing. I do need to finish my NaNoWriMo, but.... my motivation went *poof* when November ended.
Lately, I've also been in that strange mood where you just want to delete all social network profiles and vanish from the internet, which is, of course, impossible in this day and age. In the past two years, I've deleted 2 livejournals, 2 twitters, insanejournal, dreamwidth, myspace, bebo (did not remember i even had this), buzznet, 1 blog, and I really should delete my tumblr too. I can't delete my facebook and I like my facebook. Living abroad without facebook is really hard as I found out last year when I went 3 months without it in China until I just couldn't take it and got a VPN.
Pointless post is pointless.
And on a parting note, eight year olds are the devil. Next time I'll take down all their names and give them all a punishment.
You know that feeling you get after you finish something that has taken a long time? Like reading a long book series or writing a long story or finishing a television series? Like something is missing and you don't quite know what to do with yourself? I don't like that feeling. It's sort of depressing in a way. Try watching all three Lord of the Rings movies in a row and you'll understand the feeling. The feeling that things are over and there won't be anymore.
I spent the last week watching Avatar: The Last Airbender, which I will recommend as an amazing show even though it's animated and intended for age 8-10. Granted, it's only three seasons long and it ended about 3 years ago. I did watch a few episodes 5 years ago when I was in college and a friend liked it, but for some reason I just didn't get into it. Probably because I saw a few episodes in the middle. Starting from the beginning is a much better idea.
Basically, I'm in love with Zuko and if he was real, I'd marry him. Of course, the same goes for Sokka, and for Dmitre from Anastasia. The point is, after I finished the series (yesterday - I watched 8 episodes in a row, couldn't stop myself), I was left with that empty feeling again.
My hobbies are not vast or really varied. And a lot of them are combined. I like to knit, but I do it while watching TV shows. I like to cook but I need the right kitchen setup to really feel comfortable doing it. And oven would be helpful too. My interest in animals is pretty much caput at the moment considering I can't have a pet here. I've forgotten half the things I used to know from 4-H. Writing is an interest, but it's something that takes an idea and if you don't feel like writing, you don't feel like writing. I do need to finish my NaNoWriMo, but.... my motivation went *poof* when November ended.
Lately, I've also been in that strange mood where you just want to delete all social network profiles and vanish from the internet, which is, of course, impossible in this day and age. In the past two years, I've deleted 2 livejournals, 2 twitters, insanejournal, dreamwidth, myspace, bebo (did not remember i even had this), buzznet, 1 blog, and I really should delete my tumblr too. I can't delete my facebook and I like my facebook. Living abroad without facebook is really hard as I found out last year when I went 3 months without it in China until I just couldn't take it and got a VPN.
Pointless post is pointless.
And on a parting note, eight year olds are the devil. Next time I'll take down all their names and give them all a punishment.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Appreciation
I've never felt so lost. I've never felt so much at home. Please write my folks and throw away my keys.
I've been waiting years for that song lyric to apply to me. I can't say it does yet, and I honestly don't know when it will, but I hope that someday, I'll be able to say it and mean it.
Lately, I've seen a lot of people in the program getting tired (okay, it's mainly the Brits) and I know one person (American) is leaving. He says he's gotten what he wanted out of the program. I suppose if you feel that way. There's a difference between feeling you've done what you came to do and leaving early as opposed to quitting in the middle because it's just too hard.
I never once considered quitting in China, even on those days when I just wanted to punch the next Chinese person I saw, those days where if I heard 'hallow!' yelled at me, I was going to snap, not even on those days. It never occurred to me to just say, "I quit. Send me home." Then again, I had also signed a real contract that said if I quit, I had to pay money to get out of the contract. France somehow has no real contract. I don't feel like there's anything legal keeping us here. If we picked up and left tomorrow, there isn't anything they could do.
But I still don't understand the people who quit.
Have they not gone through what the rest of us did to get here? Do they not want it as much? What were they expecting? To live in a huge city with great public transportation and super friendly French people? It's just not realistic.
I was looking at jobs in the US today because I will have to get one when I get back, but if you think about it, my qualifications for any type of professional job are very slim. I speak French. Woo. That's all. I'm qualified to live in France. On a good day. It's enough to make a girl want to think of Grad School just to have something else to do. I'm not sure I could make it another 2-3 years in school, though.
I guess this entry doesn't have a point really except people who don't want to come here, shouldn't be here. Granted, I don't love teaching and no, I don't want to be a teacher, but that's not why I'm here. I knew that long before I came here. I'm here in some vague hope that France is the culmination of something in my life, as if it was something I was working towards all those years, but essentially it may only be a stepping stone to something else. God only knows what that something else is, although I'd rather like to be let in on it, thanks.
It's 10PM now over here in France and I have to leave for work at 8AM, so I'll leave this here.
To leave you all on a lighter-hearted note, the lol-worthy moment of Tuesdays classes:
New lesson on prepositions (in, on, under, behind, in front of, next to, between). The teacher uses the kids as examples: "Sara is next to John." And Sara moves next to John. Etc. So then the teacher says, "Thomas is inside Nathan. Is it possible?" If you didn't laugh, then you have a cleaner mind than me ;] The teacher said no. My brain said yes.
Goodnight.
I've been waiting years for that song lyric to apply to me. I can't say it does yet, and I honestly don't know when it will, but I hope that someday, I'll be able to say it and mean it.
Lately, I've seen a lot of people in the program getting tired (okay, it's mainly the Brits) and I know one person (American) is leaving. He says he's gotten what he wanted out of the program. I suppose if you feel that way. There's a difference between feeling you've done what you came to do and leaving early as opposed to quitting in the middle because it's just too hard.
I never once considered quitting in China, even on those days when I just wanted to punch the next Chinese person I saw, those days where if I heard 'hallow!' yelled at me, I was going to snap, not even on those days. It never occurred to me to just say, "I quit. Send me home." Then again, I had also signed a real contract that said if I quit, I had to pay money to get out of the contract. France somehow has no real contract. I don't feel like there's anything legal keeping us here. If we picked up and left tomorrow, there isn't anything they could do.
But I still don't understand the people who quit.
Have they not gone through what the rest of us did to get here? Do they not want it as much? What were they expecting? To live in a huge city with great public transportation and super friendly French people? It's just not realistic.
I was looking at jobs in the US today because I will have to get one when I get back, but if you think about it, my qualifications for any type of professional job are very slim. I speak French. Woo. That's all. I'm qualified to live in France. On a good day. It's enough to make a girl want to think of Grad School just to have something else to do. I'm not sure I could make it another 2-3 years in school, though.
I guess this entry doesn't have a point really except people who don't want to come here, shouldn't be here. Granted, I don't love teaching and no, I don't want to be a teacher, but that's not why I'm here. I knew that long before I came here. I'm here in some vague hope that France is the culmination of something in my life, as if it was something I was working towards all those years, but essentially it may only be a stepping stone to something else. God only knows what that something else is, although I'd rather like to be let in on it, thanks.
It's 10PM now over here in France and I have to leave for work at 8AM, so I'll leave this here.
To leave you all on a lighter-hearted note, the lol-worthy moment of Tuesdays classes:
New lesson on prepositions (in, on, under, behind, in front of, next to, between). The teacher uses the kids as examples: "Sara is next to John." And Sara moves next to John. Etc. So then the teacher says, "Thomas is inside Nathan. Is it possible?" If you didn't laugh, then you have a cleaner mind than me ;] The teacher said no. My brain said yes.
Goodnight.
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